My heart was an anchor, slowly being dragged down to the bowels of my stomach. My body had processed the cruelty faster than my brain (if it had at all.) Each second that passed my newfound reality was becoming more and more clear. Everything I once knew was questioned. “Is this really happening? What’s my name? How many fingers am I holding up?” I paused. I snapped out of it. Not even my crude humor could provide relief for what I was about to endure.
I tried plotting ways to handle this, but my mind was blank… and it wasn’t because of my previous shock, but because the fact of the matter is: this man leaves me speechless. My witty remarks were no match. I met my match. 5’7. Medium build. Dark hair. Refined jawline. Standing right in front of me.
I don’t know what was consuming my thoughts more: my feelings or how badly I wanted to fuck him. If anything, my feelings were intensifying my want to fuck him. Fuck. I hate that word. I hate how it signifies meaningless sex (but thats exactly what I wanted, for sex with him to be meaningless.) I could pretend all I want but the truth behind it all was getting to me. A train of emotions going 50mph was headed my way. Only one thought consumed my subconscious now. Was I ready to face this?
Hand on my shoulder as he whispered my name. I didn’t react. I heard him, but, I couldn’t get myself to look up. One glimpse at his eyes… I’d be locked. One glimpse at my eyes… he’d figure it out. He would know the very truth I’ve been trying my best to hide from him. I pushed his hand off my shoulder, severing the physical and emotional hold he had on me. “Look at him….look….” Who was that? I turned my head to the left, turned my head to the right, no one else in sight. “You can’t avoid this anymore…don’t push him away….not this time…” I must be losing my mind! There’s no one else here but him, and his lips are sealed, so who is talking to me? Seconds passed till it clicked. I was no longer speaking to my subconscious. My confusion faded. I knew exactly who I was speaking to.
This man has managed to break my very foundation of being. He has activated a part of me that I believed had been lost long ago. How could he do this to me? How could he be so cruel?
I hate him. But I don’t. That is my reality, which now my heart is a witness to. Because thats who I was speaking to: my heart.
As everything was being pieced together in my psychologically fucked up mind, I managed to look up at him. He looked into my eyes as if he was searching for my soul. He knows, of course he knows. He knows me better than I know myself, and I know him. I need to say it. Can I do this? I was fidgeting. Am I ready for this? I swallowed the saliva building up in my mouth. Time to face the music.
I grabbed his hand. He nudged it away, grabbed my waist, pulling me in tight. I clenched onto him as if I had no intentions of ever letting go…. and I didn’t. “You don’t have to be scared” he was right. His reassurance washed away any doubts. I had never been so sure of something in my life. It all finally made sense.
The words came out.
“I love you too”
I’m so tired of being doubted because ignorant people that I’ve never had a conversation with choose to trash me. Heres your proof, you can believe what you want. I don’t give a fuck anymore. I just don’t want to hear about this again.
I don’t want to feel alone anymore.
I don’t want temporary, I want consistency.